1. |
The Love Parade
03:41
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The love parade?
You’ve missed it, I’m afraid
It left an hour ago
A shame you were too slow
The crowds have gone
No sign of them remains
But litter in the street
The echo of their feet
Too late for the love parade
Love always passed you by
But there’s no need to cry
Too late for the love parade
Let others have their fun
You’re not the only one
Who’s missed the love parade
You would have seen
The girls with cheeks aglow
And Venus on her shell
And Cupid with his bow
There would have been
Young sailors with tattoos
And tarts with high-heeled shoes
And poets with the blues
Too late for the love parade
You never had a chance
You weren’t invited to the dance
Too late for the love parade
Don’t look so dismayed
You’re not the only one
Who’s missed the love parade
Let’s not forget
The ancient men and crones
The Darbys and the Joans
Who came to shake their bones
They’re not like you
You’ll always be alone
The evenings on your own
The silent telephone
Too late for the love parade
Love always passed you by
But there’s no need to sit and cry
Too late for the love parade
Let others have their fun
You’re not the only one
Who’s missed the love parade
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2. |
The Night Life
02:37
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Caterwauls from rooftops
Foxes in the street
Rummage in the rubbish bins
For rotten things to eat
Let’s leave them in the suburbs
And travel into town
Where more exotic species
Have their hunting ground
Parrots preen their feathers
Pretty panthers prowl
Monkeys hang and chatter
Green-eyed leopards growl
The night life has teeth
The night life has claws
The night life is wild
And has its own laws
The night life is hard
The night life is cold
No place for the young
No room for the old
Herons hunched in smoky bars
Silent white-faced owls
Hear hyenas cackle
And howler monkeys howl
Wolves in search of lonely hearts
Crocodiles lie low
Until they spot a stray gazelle
And then it’s time to go
The night life is cruel
The night life don’t care
It says you were warned
It’s buyer beware
The night life desires
The night life has needs
It’s hungry for flesh
The night life must feed
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3. |
Born Bad
02:08
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Born bad
Isn’t it sad
No hope for her
With the start she had
Her fate
Didn’t run straight
Tried to change
It was too late
All she wants is ordinary happiness
And all she gets is drama
Look at all the tragedy
In the family
It must be karma
Born bad
Isn’t it sad
Wants to be better
And it’s driving her mad
All wrong
Her whole life long
Born bad
Same old song
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4. |
Wild West
02:46
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Stucco cracked and peeling
Now it’s new and clean and smooth and white
What is it concealing?
What strange crimes are going on out of sight?
Read the morning headlines
Banker’s wife has disappeared
Caught him on the camera
Haven’t found her but it’s feared…
There’s the old Electric
That’s where Christie used to change the reels
Up the road near Golborne’s
Where he went to buy his mash and eels
You can feel the darkness
Where history has been
Filthy like an old cloth
That no washing can get clean
Times have changed
And places rearranged
But it will always be the Wild West
Near that two-star restaurant
That’s where Oswald Mosley preached his hate
Standing on the same spot
That Kelso Cochrane met his fate
Luxury apartments
Next to councils boarded up
Exiled to the seaside
Gentrifying never stops.
Times have changed
And places rearranged
But it will always be the Wild West
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5. |
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London in the violet hour
Sauntering down Rathbone Place
Smiling as I pass the White Tower
Thinking of a much-loved face
She wasn’t much of a beauty
And she wasn’t all that bright
But when it came to having a party
Susie was your girl, all right
Whenever she was brassic
She’d come up with a classic
And tell you she forgot her purse
She’d get quite histrionic
Demand a gin and tonic
You’d tell yourself it could be worse
Many times I’ve sat in a corner
Of the Colony Room
Watching Susie flirting and dancing
Bright in the November gloom
Knowing that the evening would end in
Tears and sometimes in bed
Waking on a Saturday morning
With Susie and an aching head
Sometimes she would tell you she loved you
Other times forget your name
Often she would cry on your shoulder
And tell you men are all the same
It’s such a shame about Susie
Now she’s given up the booze
She may have been a little bit crazy
But I’m still singing the blues
Still singing the blues
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6. |
Saturn's Child
02:25
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Saturn’s child was I
With the world upon my shoulders
Like a Sisyphean boulder
Growing heavier as I got older
Saturn’s child was I
With a fulminating father
Worked himself into a lather
Telling me I should try harder
Too little fire and too much water
I’m the archetypal eldest daughter
Doing everything I can to please
Curry favour and appease
Saturn’s child am I
So I lack determination
I could represent my nation
When it comes to hesitation
Saturn’s child am I
Don’t you see my spirit’s broken
By the harsh words that were spoken
By a mouth that’s ever open
Can’t forget the lessons of the past
How I wish I could grow up at last
Learn to live without self-sacrifice
Tugging at my heartstrings, I’d think twice
Saturn's child am I
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7. |
Foreign Affairs
01:58
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Foreign affairs
It starts to snow
Sitting on the runway
Diplomatic bag packed
Ready to go
Wish I could stay with you
Foreign affairs
I hope you know
That when duty calls
I don’t have any choice
I have to go
I need to see this through
Breaking of relations
Is a step too far for me
With conciliation
Might avert catastrophe
Hope she will agree
You’ll have read my communiqué
She gave an ultimatum
That was why I couldn’t stay
I’ll always think of you
I’ll always think of you
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8. |
Madame X
02:04
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Madame X
Madame X
Though I’m not a great admirer of your sex
I appreciate your beauty
And accept that it’s my duty
To preserve it with my art
Madame X
Madame X
Madame X
I’ve learned by now that you were born to vex
You don’t turn up for sittings
Then you treat them like your fittings
And you posture and you preen
Madame X
When future generations see you
In your velvet gown
In that seductive pose
With your distinctive nose
They’ll never know the blood and sweat
Not to mention tears
That went into the painting
That’s the envy of my peers
Madame X
Madame X
If I knew how, I’d gladly put a hex
On you and all your kind
But instead I will remind you
You haven’t paid your bill
Madame X
You’ll appreciate I didn’t want your real name preserved
It’s more than you deserve
You wouldn’t have the nerve
To claim the face and figure I so skilfully portrayed
Belong to you, dear lady, when you never even paid
Madame X
Madame X
You ignore my calls and never sign your cheques
I don't care if I’ve upset you
I’m afraid I shan’t forget you
How I curse the day we met
Madame X
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9. |
I've Forgotten Him Now
02:23
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It’s been so many years
Of course I’ve moved on
I’m not the person I was
Those feelings have gone
That little pain
When I pictured his face
Is no longer there though
No-one’s taken his place
I’ve been filling my time
With new hobbies and friends
We go out on the town
When the evening ends
I always think how
Good it is to be free
No more tantrums and tears
Just my pillow and me
I’ve forgotten him now
And when I hear his name
My heart remains perfectly still
My pulse stays the same
He’s just one of the crowd
An ordinary joe
Nobody special
Someone I used to know
If I saw him today
If we met in the street
I’d have nothing to say
I’d just stare at my feet
He’d be able to tell
Though I’m not sure how
That my life has gone well
I’ve forgotten him now
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10. |
Goodbye To All That
02:39
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When I was ruler of the Huns
My armies swept the plains
Slashing swathes through virgins
And putting men in chains
We offered them no mercy
We cut our victims down
We galloped through their villages
And burned them to the ground
But goodbye to all that
I’m leaving this wicked world behind
I’m going to the country to a cottage by a stream
To cultivate my garden and my mind
Then I was a libertine in a French salon
I was a Casanova, a real-life Don Juan
I corrupted countless countesses, seduced a pretty nun
And gambled with my fortune
Till everything was gone
But goodbye to all that
I’m leaving this wicked world behind
I’m going to the country to a cottage by a stream
To cultivate my garden and my mind
Now I’m a Russian oligarch
I’m worth five hundred mil
I own a villa in Antibes and half of Notting Hill
I have an English football team, a private jet or two
A trophy wife, a mistress and an heir and spare to boot
But goodbye to all that
I’m leaving this wicked world behind
I’m going to the country to a cottage by a stream
To cultivate my garden and my mind
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11. |
Rafferty
01:51
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I met him at O’Reilly’s on Third Avenue
He swore that he was sober but he’d had a few
My head was telling me, he’s just another slob
My heart was saying he’s cuter than a puppy dog
Rafferty, you’re the man for me
Darling, I love you so
I must admit although
I know you are a rogue
I can’t resist your blarney and your Irish brogue
He thinks that going Dutch means I pick up the check
He hears a car backfiring and he hits the deck
Whenever we go out, I know it’s going to end
Hiding down an alley from his latest friend
Rafferty, you’re the man for me
Honey, I love you still
You promised me a thrill
You took me to Brazil
You left me with your trousers and the hotel bill
Rafferty, darling Rafferty
Honey, I think you’re jake
But I’ve done a second take
It’s been a big mistake
I know that I’d be safer with a rattle snake
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12. |
Bats In The Belfry
02:33
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Bats are in the belfry
Screech owls in the hall
Through the shuttered windows
No light shows at all
Creatures of the night
Shun the sun’s fierce light
Hide themselves away
Till the end of day
Rustling in the ivy
On the garden walls
Someone’s in the orchard
Where the moonlight falls
Tell him you are here
Bid him to appear
Overcome your fear
Wait as he draws near
Floats above the ground
Moves without a sound
When he touches you
You can see right through his hand
Bats are in the belfry
Screech owls in the hall
Through the shuttered windows
No light shows at all
Creatures of the night
Shun the sun’s fierce light
Hide themselves away
Till the end of day
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13. |
The Wind Will Change
02:10
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He came in
On a southern breeze
When the year was young
New leaves on the trees
He’d stay here
For a while, he said
Took his old hat off
Threw it on the bed
He never said he’d be around
Long enough to see you getting older
You knew that he’d be moving on
When he felt the weather getting colder
Not knowing
When he’s going to go
Makes you stay in line
Keeps you on your toes
Knowing one day
The wind will change
Knowing one day
The wind will change
Don’t you ever notice that he
Always has to have the windows open?
You’re never going to pin him down
So get it in your head, it’s no use hoping
So darling, dry your pretty eyes
Don’t spend all your time
Looking at the skies
Waiting for the day
The wind will change
Waiting for the day
The wind will change
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14. |
Cavanagh, Cody and Byrne
02:22
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Cavanagh, Cody and Byrne
Are an old-fashioned music-hall turn
Byrne is the straight man and Cody the stooge
Cody is tiny and Cavanagh huge
Cavanagh’s role is to bluster and rage
While poor little Cody is kicked round the stage
Byrne’s the mysterious éminence grise
The man in the corner who nobody sees
It seems like a double-act but there are three
They can’t be divided, they’re a trinity
If you’ve ever seen them I’m sure you’ll agree
Byrne, Cavanagh and Cody
Cody the innocent, sweet-faced and mild
The mind of a fool and the heart of a child
Cavanagh glaring and waving his cane
The slippery Byrne disappearing again
They bring back the glory days of vaudeville
Even though these days they’re over the hill
What comical fellows they are,
Byrne, Cody and Cavanagh
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15. |
Ouija Board Romance
02:44
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In copperplate ‘To Captain Wren
At Laurel House, retired, R.N.’
Barometer says Fine
An invitation from The Pines
‘Your company requested…
Please be here at half past nine’
He puts it on the chimney piece
Another Wednesday séance
And a good canary wine
The usual party - Mrs Death
(‘Not Death, you know, it rhymes with “wreath”’)
Is hosting the soirée
And Mrs Talbot, Reverend Jones
Will both be there as usual
Not forgetting Major Grey
But Mrs Snow, I’m sad to say
Had to decline, she’ll be away
So we’re one short today
And so in desperation and perhaps a little daringly
Tells Dorothy the maid
To put aside her apron and to join them in the drawing room
The ouija board is laid
Upon the table, voices fall
The candles flicker, in the hall
The old clock’s chiming fades
The planchette stops ‘A D… then O…’
‘An L… an L… a Y…’ and so
The message is revealed
And to her shame the secret is exposed
That was for many months
In Dolly’s heart concealed
And ‘Dolly loves the Captain’ stands
In Mrs Talbot’s spidery hand
The planchette starts to move again
And Captain Wren (retired, R.N.)
Cannot believe his eyes
‘A C, a A, a P, a T’, while Mrs Talbot’s scratching pen
The Ouija board’s reply
Records - and ‘Captain Wren loves Dolly’ read out to the company
To everyone’s surprise
Now Dorothy is Mrs Wren
The Deaths require a maid again
The ouija board’s retired
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16. |
Charm School
02:34
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Charm school
Early one morning down the muddy lane
Came up to London on the stopping train
Your heavy suitcase in your hand
Charm school
Sweet in your twinset and your mother’s pearls
Sitting at breakfast while the other girls
Tell stories you don’t understand
Nails are polished and your eyes are bright
Though you cry yourself to sleep at night
There are so many things a girl could do
But there’s no choice for you
Charm school
Brushing your hair a hundred times a day
Putting your feelings and your thoughts away
In tissue paper in your drawer
Charm school
Off with your boyfriend in his Jaguar
Sometimes you worry that you went too far
Soon you won’t care any more
Past the window goes the office crowd
Clothes are flashy and their voices loud
They’re not going anywhere, it’s true
But they’re happier than you
Charm school
You passed with flying colours and they’re sure
You’ll find an eligible bachelor
You’ll make him the perfect wife
Charm school
House in the country, he’s at work all day
Out of the window watch your children play
Hope you’ll have a happy life
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17. |
The King Of The Moon
02:51
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The King of the Moon
Was thrown out of the bar
He’s lying in the gutter
And gazing at the stars
His ears are ringing
But his heart is singing
The King of the Moon
Has a crater for a face
His clothes have cigarette holes
Each hair is out of place
He’s always sinning
His head is spinning
He doesn’t have an ermine robe
He doesn’t wear a crown
But he knows the kindly moon
Is always looking down
The King of the Moon
With a bottle in his hand
By now it’s close to midnight
And he can hardly stand
It’s started snowing
But his heart is glowing
The King of the Moon
When his world came to an end
He looked up to the night sky
And found he had a friend
His heart is singing
Hope always springing
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18. |
Temporary Arrangement
01:29
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Just a week
Won’t be more
I can sleep
On the floor
It’s a temporary arrangement
Just a temporary arrangement
Seven thou
Make it ten
Pay you back
Can’t say when
It’s a temporary arrangement
Just a temporary arrangement
Give him an inch and he takes a mile
Can’t resist that cheeky smile
Something in those big blue eyes
Says you’re in for a surprise
Fill it up
Where’s the key?
Have it back
Half-past three
It’s a temporary arrangement
Just a temporary arrangement
You believe his solemn pledge
It’s the thin end of the wedge
Don’t ignore that tiny voice
Telling you you have a choice
Got your car
Got your wife
Got your house
Got your life
It’s a temporary arrangement
Just a temporary arrangement
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19. |
The Kiss Of Death
03:00
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The kiss of death will come as a surprise
Hard as a hammer blow
Strike you between the eyes
You always thought the rules did not apply
You were the chosen one
It was the other guy
You should have taken better care
Everyone told you to beware
The kiss of death is colder than a knife
Soft as a silenced gun
Sweeter to you than life
You're tired of all the secrets and the lies
Don’t want to end your days
Under some foreign sky
So though you know he means you harm
You welcome him with open arms
The kiss of death - you knew he would betray
Thank him with gentle words
Smile as you’re led away
You always knew how it was going to be
Branded with burning lips
Under a cedar tree
So as he speaks your secret name
Tell him you know he’s not to blame
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20. |
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There’s a star on my dressing room door
So I leave all my clothes on the floor
My faithful old dresser is there every night
To clear it all up while I’m in the limelight
It’s an honour for him, not a chore
There’s a star on my dressing room door
When I was the rage, the society pages
Of all the best magazines
Showed me consorting and sometimes cavorting
With Michael and all the old queens
There’s a star on my dressing room door
And a new leading lady to paw
Of course I knew Larry and Noël and John
And when I perform I know they’re looking on
As are Oscar and George Bernard Shaw
There’s a star on my dressing room door
My friends and admirers all marvel
Amazed that I haven’t gone grey
But in The Tempest I have to hold on
So the wind doesn’t blow it away
There’s a star on my dressing room door
Every audience begs me for more
Though I’m in my eighties I’m soldiering on
The nation will mourn for me when I am gone
So you can be perfectly sure
There’s a star on my dressing room door
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Would-Be-Goods London, UK
Would-be-goods are usually a four-piece band but this is a solo project which I began in October 2020, trying to trick myself into being more productive by treating songwriting as a game or challenge. Peter, my partner, acted as my daily title generator. I then had 24 hours to write and record the song. ... more
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